I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
