i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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