the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
