I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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