i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
