I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
