I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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