Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
