Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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