I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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