I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize