actually, I'm a sock model
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
