i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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