Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
