I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
