I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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