And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
