I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
