no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
