shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
