What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
