I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
