My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
