I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
