She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I deserve this hangover.
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