the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
