the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Couch. On fire.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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