Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
