I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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