I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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