he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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