Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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