I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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