Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
