Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
