I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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