Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
