pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
