oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
