i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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