I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
