Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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