I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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