On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
