I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
