Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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