I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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