I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
