The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
