My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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