he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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