How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
