i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
