did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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