Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
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Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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