the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
FUCK WHALES
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
