i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
