So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
