Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.