Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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