I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.